


CAR Races

by H2F



Category: CAR fed, Original Work, car racing - Fandom, efed, obstacle cource racing, xhf
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24935974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/H2F/pseuds/H2F
Summary: The XHF Wrestling Network has expanded to the fast and furious world of CAR racing. Monthly Competitive Automotive Racing feature audience participation and enhanced driving tactics. This is a chronological collection of the monthly races.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: This is a collection of the results for the monthly short story (5-2000 words) writing competition entries (chapters) under the same continuing arc; the results are written as a car race and the authors don't know who won until the race is posted. If you would like to see where they are posted originally, the site can be found at https://xhf09.proboards.com/board/1113/competitive-automotive-racing .

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First race of CAR! with   
> 1\. Punch Buggy no Punch Back!!  
> 2\. The Angry Mad Chemists  
> 3\. MachGo~Go~Go~Go~Go~!  
> 4\. Don't touch my junk  
> 5\. Daughters of the ‘Merican Revolution  
> 6\. Escapism Sorority  
> 7\. Swann Enterprises: Flight Engines™

## June 2020

## 

## Drive around the scenic lake for the chance to:  
  


1\. Behold the mud feature in all its glory,  
2\. Hug those curves,  
3\. Climb Mt. HoldMaBeer,  
4\. Zig zag through the oversized dog agility feature know as “weave poles”  
5\. before sprinting to the finish line

## Sippy Cup Qualifier 1

**Water**

We first join the broadcast in the press box on the side of a mountain above the race course in the boonies of North Carolina where an older gentleman in a Carolina blue shirt is sitting behind a desk for two with various audio equipment on it. Next to him is an even more experienced woman who is bent over connecting wires.

The man begins in a southern drawl (Uncle in the “The Fast & The Furriest” roleplay), “Welcome, Ladies and Gent- Mom, what are you doing?”

His mother, Grandma Mary (Memaw in the “Fast and Furrist” roleplay) **Mumbles.**

Uncle - “What?”

**She sits up and holds up a plug on the remaining end of one the wires now plugged in below.** Grandma Mary answers in an upper crust British meets southern accent, "I said that I was setting it up!"

**She plugs a headphone cord into a small black box on the desk.** "There! Should be all set now!"

Uncle - “What are you setting up? Why does it need to be set up now? I just started the broadcast of the race.”  
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “This, sweet pea, will allow us, and our audience, to hear exactly what is being said between the race teams, crews; what is that term again?”

**Uncle shakes his head.** - “Crews, Mom, Crews. Now, please tell our viewers what they can expect today.”  
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Well I don’t want to ruin the surprise yet but I’ll give you an overview.” **Clears throat** ”There are seven crews that will compete in today’s race. We’ll introduce them in the order they signed up to this Fed and the order they will be taking the track with one exception. First up! From the Boonies of North Carolina, the wild car in the race, driven by a woman who recently escaped from the zoo, powered by a stronger engine than the car was designed for, and-”

Uncle - “Just say the team name, mom.”  
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “O-K Spoilsport. Punch buggy no punch back!” **She leans over and slugs him in the upper arm.**

Uncle - “Ow. Why did you just hit me?”  
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Because that’s the title of their car. Don’t you remember that game? The girls and I loved that game back in the first few years of the millennia. You see a VW bug, you punch them on the upper arm.”

Uncle - “But I don’t see a VW bug. Where are the girls? Shouldn’t they be here by now? Abby went to pick up Brittney from the house at least 10 minutes ago. It’s less than a mile away and they are the lead car.”  
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “And I imagine Brittney was already walking down; remember she won’t be riding in the car to this event given her deep mistrust of motor powered vehicles. So, we’ll wait for them to kick things off and I’ll continue my explanation. In a minute, the crews will roll up to the starting line, will have a moment of prayer, I mean reflection, then stand for the national anthem and the race will start at the sound of this gun.” **She holds up a sexy nine shot revolver with engravings on the side.**

Uncle - “Why did you bring that gun into this announcing booth? You don’t need nine bullets to start the race and it needs to be fired outside. And aimed at the ground. I don’t want to repatch the walls in here for a fifth time.”  
Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “You worry too much. Things have a way of working out. Now, the course has five obstacles: first was supposed to be a mud pit; unfortunately, mud proved difficult to obtain, but in these difficult times, I managed to find something that will work and the cannons seem to love it.”

Uncle - “Cannons? That’s what was going off all last week. Care to explain to the audience what will be in the cannons?

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “The Cannons are firing a surprise but that’s not the star of the 1812 overture from last week. Now, once past that, there is a sharp turn designed to test the driver’s handling at speed. I’m interested to see if any of the driver’s miss that turn in favor of the back road. It would not be good for them to take the backroad - but they don’t know that! So after the turn is my baby, Mount Hold-Ma-Beer. It is a mechanical thing of beauty!”

Uncle - “Isn’t it just a fake mountain with a jump at the top?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Nope! So, presuming they don’t end up in the lake, something I am hoping happens at least once, the crews will head for the weave poles. This will test their technical diving ability and determine if they really can turn on a dime. After that, it’s an all out sprint to the finish line. Oh, good I think I see Brittney and the tiger beetle heading this way.”

**Walking down the road at an unhurried pace is Britney in her bear suit holding the realistic mascot bear head in both her arms. Keeping pace with her, the black and white bug rolls slowly along.**

Uncle - “Yes, here they come. And following behind them is The Angry Mad Chemists.”

**Perhaps thinking that the first team knows something they don’t, the two support members of the team walk beside the car following the bug.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “This crew hails from Alamos, New mexico and designs look very promising. If their driver has mastered the controls, we could be looking at a strong contender for the Sippy Cup.”

Uncle - “Behind the Chemists, is another bug with a protuberance in the front. Don’t Touch My Junk Racin’ is from Las Vegas.” **He gently taps a closed fist against his mother's upper arm.** ”Punch bug.”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “I will allow it this once. Looking at that car reminds me of your father for some reason.”

**The peach, older generation bug has a cylinder as long as the car attached to the front of the car with a darker color mushroom top flare at the end. Two men, who appear topless but in fact are wearing nipple shaped nipple coverings are standing on the back bumper of the car as it makes its way down the road.**

Uncle - “Is it because it looks like a giant Dick?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “I was thinking it was more a physical resemblance than a personality one.”

Uncle - **groans** “Please, no. I do NOT want to hear about your previous conquests.”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “I lived in a time of sexual awakening!”

Uncle - “You are my mother. Look here comes the next crew.”

**A white race car with sharp angles follows the Junk Mobile. Two men run to keep pace with it with one on each side, like a protection detail, as they watch the skies for an unknown reason.

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Right you are. Mach ~ Go ~ Go ~ Go ~ Go ~ Go ~! From Japan. I don’t know why they included an incomplete phone number in their crew name do you?”

Uncle - “Phone number?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Yes, in Japanese, ‘go’ means five. There are five, fives but phone numbers have 7 to 11 numbers depending on your need for an area code and country code. They need more numbers if they want me to call them.”

Uncle - “I really don’t think that was their intent but their vehicle looks to be built for speed. I think it will do well,”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “I agree that it looks fast, but there is more to this race than how fast they hit Mount HoldMaBeer.”

Uncle - “Next up is the Escapism Sorority who refuse to disclose where they come from.”

**Three young women ride a modified motorized bike with four wheels inline covered by a tank tread. They wave to the crowd as they go by.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Those young ladies have clearly been through a great deal together. I offered them use of the forest to camp in. I was a bit surprised to see them enter such an unusual vehicle in this race.”

Uncle - “More to the point, do you think it will be able to handle what you dish out?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “It will be an interesting race and their choices will seal their fate. Following them is the final international crew.”

**The red race car follows without the support of the rest of the crew who are already waiting at their assigned starting position.**

Uncle - “That’s right, Swann Enterprises: Flight Engines™ hail from London, England.”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Damn limeys.”

Uncle - “Mother. I am surprised by you. Last night you stayed up late to re-watch the entirety of BBC’s Sherlock and now you act as though their culture offends you.”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “It’s 12 episodes and a special. I couldn’t stop so close to the end. It’s not Downton Abbey that just goes on and on. Besides, I know my heritage.”

**Grandma Mary pulls the microphone closer.** “Ladies and Gentlemen, please pause for a moment of reflection and/or prayer.”

**Suddenly, the sound of a single bagpipe pipes in playing Amazing grace and the single player marches forward followed by a much larger group of bagpipers. The band jonis in playing Amazing Grace after the first time through the melody.**

Uncle - “Oh, God. Why?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Soundless prayer Sweet Pea.”

**The song concludes as the band reaches the starting line of the race where all but one competitor is lined up.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand for our national anthem.”

**The bagpipes start up the national anthem of the United States of America as a bubble gum pink hummer idles very slowly down the road with a woman in a steampunked American Revolutionary War era working class dress seated on the driver’s door window sill. She appears to be driving the car with her right foot while her left arm waves an American flag above the car.**

**As the hummer nears the starting line, the driver kicks the gear shift into neutral and then, at the starting line, kicks it again to move into the parking gear. The hummer lurches slightly but the driver remains in the car. The bagpipes finish the Star Spangled Banner. She then leans out of the car even further to attach the flag to a flag pole attached to the car before pulling herself into the vehicle and buckling her seatbelt (so we can be safe).**

Uncle - “Ladies and Gentlemen, the final team-”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Yes, and now we’re ready to start this thing! At the sound of the gun, the race will begin!”

Uncle - “Outside, fire outside!”

**Before the gun goes off, the pink hummer takes off down the road.**

Uncle - “What! They're cheating!”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “That’s ‘Merican ingenuity! Way to even the playing field!”  
**The older gentleman grabs the gun before stepping out of the press box and firing at the mountain. The other racers take off down the road. He steps back into the press box and places the gun on the desk. Grandma Mary looks up at her son.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Ah, poop. You ruined my fun.”

**Uncle pointedly looks at the race.** - “and they are off ladies and gentlemen. DMR is in the lead but the others are closing in and the first obstacle is coming up.”

**One by one, the vehicles meet the mud. Both bugs spin in a circle as their fast speed spins them in a fast circle.**

**Crackling over the newly connected radio, Abby, the driver, hums "The friction drag coefficient acting on the car is not the same as mud." Brittney's response follows after only a moment. "Oh. Abby, I believe it is pudding. Just, um. Just go slower until you get out of it."**

**The other crews, except Escapism Sorority, seem to hear that advice; the Escapism Sorority don’t seem to be hindered by the mud and soon catches the pink hummer’s right back bumper. As they approach the end of the mud pit, a jet of the ‘mud’ fires from the left side of the road.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “That’ll be Forest on the pudding cannon. And he gets a direct hit! Look at it splash against the front of the hummer; Oh no! The driver has overcorrected to the left and accidentally flips over ...a little bit.”

**A blond man in a green hat mans an oversized mounted water cannon spewing chocolate pudding all over the pink hummer that has flipped over completely.**

Uncle - “That looks more than a little bit. She’s turtles and Escapism Sorority has taken the lead! The pack isn’t far behind, with Mach leading closely followed by the Junk Mobile, The Angry Chemists, and Swan. The Tiger beetle seems to be playing it safe and following two car lengths behind.”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Arrive alive! Now, Forest moves the pudding gun over the rest of the racers. Oh my! Some of the pudding has hit the tip of the Junk Mobile and a little of their white sticky stuff has come out. A little too excited, perhaps?”

Uncle - “I am surprised they deployed their offense so early in the race. It seems to have slowed them down a touch and the Angry Chemists have taken advantage.”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “See, I knew there was a reason the car reminded me of your father. I hope they don’t need to wait half an hour to fire again.”

Uncle - “Mom, please no. Please.”

**Escapism Sorority nears the big bend but instead heads down the back road.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Well this should be interesting. The Escapism Sorority has veered off the course to take the road less traveled through the heart of the woods. It won’t be an easy path for them but considering the remainder of the challenges, it may have been the least deadly for this vehicle.”

Uncle - “What exactly is coming next?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “For the rest of them, it will be the bend. And we see Mach pulling ahead of the pack as they head to Mount HoldMaBeer.”

**The sound of cannon fire shakes the ground.**

Uncle - “What was that?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Nothing on the race course but I believe the Escapism Sorority has found the tripwire. I had Forrest manning the back road.”

Uncle - “How is a cannon attached to a tripwire safer than the current course; next up is a jump. Wait isn’t Forrest at the puddling cannon?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Blond Forest is, yes but Short Forest in the back. Though I can’t see Forest through all the trees. I hired two young men to help me set this whole thing up, as you know. One is John Forest and the other is Forest Johnson. Naturally, I can call them both Forest and don’t have to worry about calling them by the wrong name. Naturally, it can get confusing to have two people with the same name. Thus Blond Forest, who has blond hair, and Short Forrest who isn’t as tall as Blond Forest. Back to the race, because this is about to get interesting. As the pack approaches Mount HoldMaBeer, Swan has fallen behind and is now deploying their Turbo Turrets! Ooooh! And fire!”

**A small explosion hits the base of the ramp. Mach, and the Angry Chemists swerve to avoid it. The Junk Mobile slams their protuberance directly into the hole. As the others go around, the Junk Mobile backs up almost completely out but accidentally attempts to continue forward before completely exiting the hole and ends up ramming themselves into the hole again.**

Uncle - “What is Abigail doing? Why is her turn signal on?”

**Sure enough, the tiger beetle is turning right… off the course at the base of Mount HoldMaBeer.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Oh, I gave Brittney an alternative route to this one. I want that car to cross the finish line.”

**Mach reaches the pinnacle of the jump going far faster than the jump is rated and is soon in the air. When the car should have reached its zenith going the correct speed, it is already well over the down ramp but still gaining altitude. Back on the jump a wall of water from the nearby lake shoots straight up the volcano opening in the middle Mount HoldMaBeer.**

Uncle - “What the actual fudge balls was that?”

**The Angry Chemists follow quickly behind and gain speed with assistance from their Chemical Engine Booster as they go up the ramp.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Oh, since I had Forest manning the pudding cannon and Forest manning the back road, I had to automate Mount HoldMaBeer. The water shoots up when the car should be in the zenith of the jump. And here comes The Angry Chemists!”

**The Car makes it over the ramp and lands safely on the other side without water knocking them into the lake.**

Uncle - “Why didn’t the water shoot up again?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “It takes twelve seconds for the tank to refill with water from the lake. But here comes Swann.”

**The Spectacle goes for the jump and as it reaches the zenith, the column of water ascends to hit the car square in the underbelly. The car is thrown off course and into the lake. It lands with a large splash.”

Uncle - “Ooof. That landing is going to hurt.”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “I give it a two. This isn’t a tidal wave competition. Though I guess I’d better get the Forests to fish the car out as I doubt it will be able to cross the pond to get home otherwise.”

**While the water feature is rechanging, the Junk mobile easily makes the jump before continuing on.**

Uncle - “Looking ahead to the weave poles, I’m somewhat concerned about what is coming.”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “How much free time do you think I had?”

**Two more cannons sound from the backroad shaking the press booth.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “That was different and doesn’t count.”

**As the Angry Chemists approach the weave poles, the Escapism Sorority fires out of the forest back road and picks up speed towards them. The Tiger Beetle follows two car lengths behind until Mach falls from the sky next to the Sorority.**

Uncle - “The Angry Chemist seems to be handling the weave poles well as the Sorority and Mach are neck and neck behind. The Tiger Beetle is a safe distance behind them and the Junk Mobile is gaining.”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “And now the Sorority pulls ahead in the weave polls as their vehicle handles the tight turns better than the longer and wider car. Mach is attempting to catch up but is fishtailing at the edges of each of the pole turns. The Angry Chemists are in the straight away towards the finish line but the Escapism Sorority has exited the weave poles and is catching up. Mach has completed the weave poles and is gaining speed towards the finish line. The Junk Mobile is entering the weave poles but boy is their tip covered in that white sticky offensive substance and caked in dirt. I think they rammed into that hole a few times. Oh, hey. DMR is approaching the weave poles. I didn’t even see them clear Mount HoldMaBeer.”

Uncle - “This is turning into a tight race as The Angry Chemists and the Escapism Sorority are now neck and neck with Mach gaining on them. The Tiger Beetle isn’t falling behind but I think they are trying to keep to a speed limit. Did you tell the girls there is no speed limit?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Crap. I thought it was understood.”

**She grabs a megaphone from under the desk and opens the window in the front of the press box.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “There is no speed limit. Go faster.”

Uncle - “Good job. The Tiger Beetle increases in speed but so do the other competitors. It may well be a photo finish here today.”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “It certainly is exciting. Look at the boat going after Swann’s car.”

**The small aluminum fishing boat speeds in a circle as one of the Forests attempts to put out a small fire at the bow of the boat by waving his hat over it.**

Uncle - “Right. So back to the race, Mach pulls into the lead, no wait, The Escapism Sorority and now The Angry Chemists are in the lead and here comes the checkered flag!”

**An air horn goes off as the three vehicles pass the end of the race. Two car lengths later Tiger Beetle crosses the finish line and The Junk Mobile follows not long after.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Let’s hope Blond Forest got that photo finish.”

Uncle - “Isn’t he guiding the boat?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Right! Let's hope one of the audience members snapped a photo.”

**Each of the audience members sits in the aluminum bleachers 6 feet apart wearing masks. One blond woman in a pink mask dances around in place while holding up and honking an air horn.**

Uncle - “Isn’t the one using the air horn our resident medical professional?”

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “Your right, given she’s right at the finish line, she probably knows who won. Hold on, I’ll text her.”

**She pulls out her phone with her left hand and starts typing with her right pointer finger, taking her time to find each letter.**

Uncle - “DMR has crossed the finish line which leaves only The Spectacle, Swann's crew. The boat has retrieved the driver and is pulling the sinking car back to shore near the boat ramp. The driver appears uninjured but we will, of course, have this verified by our resident medical professional. Once she finishes with the air horn.”

**The air horn honking woman pasues and glances at her phone. Grandma’s phone pings and she grabs the megaphone and leans out the window.**

Grandma Mary (Memaw) - “The winner of today’s race is The Angry Mad Chemists. Second place goes to the Escapism Sorority and Mach Go Go Go Go Go will be awarded third. We also have the results of the People’s Choice award and the cash reward will be awarded to the Escapism Sorority. We would like to thank the Grandfather Mountain Bagpipers for playing for this race; I know we were all disappointed to know that the Highland Games were canceled this year. Thank you all for coming, now get off my lawn!”

**The crew radio is buzzing with communications:  
The mechanic for the Angry Mad Chemists laughs, "BAHAHAHA! Let that stupid hedgehog and his animal buddies see us now. NOBODY outruns us anymore ..."

The Escapism Sorority discusses their loss and windfall “the money is important, as well as any potential sponsorship, but winning is not everything. If we don’t win we’ll take it as a learning experience to improve upon.”  
“Yeah but if we win and split the winnings, while I’ll be using it for some new clothes, you’ll be…”  
“Getting pizzas…”

One of Grandma's granddaughters, Abby, giggles over the radio before all but shouting "We didn't die!" Their crew’s driver, Abby, just snorts in response.**


	2. July  2020 - Sippy Cup Qualifier - Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The July 2020 Race for CAR includes the same fun crews and some new crews in a new course up a parking garage. This is a shorter race but don’t let the size fool you! Who will rise above the others? Who will be knocked down? 
> 
> 1\. Punch Bug No Punch Back  
> 2\. Mad Chemists  
> 3\. Escapism Sorority  
> 4\. Mach Go^5  
> 5\. Don't Touch my Junk  
> 6\. Mother. The Car.  
> 7\. Who Let the Dogs Out?

**July 2020**

**Race to the top of the three level parking garage and note:  
**

1\. The tight turns  
2\. The Living Rock  
3\. Dash to the Finish Line

**Sippy Cup Qualifier 2 - Earth**

Grandma Mary wears a red fabric mask and sits rigidly behind one end of a long table covered with a black sheet labeled with a paper sign pinned to the middle that reads ‘Announcer’s booth’. She takes a deep breath through her mask, and begins in a slightly muffled Southern accent and a very formal tone. “Welcome, Audience, to what will be a very exciting race. As most of you know, Competitive Automotive Racing is part of the XHF Network and will be joining in a Network Wide Event later this month in Mexico. Night of Champions will feature title matches from around the XHF Network and CAR will be participating with a drag race for the Silicone Cup. Because of the advance planning needed for this event, my son will not be a commentator for today’s event. May I introduce today’s other commentator, the CAR medical advisor, known to XHF Network as Doctor Chaos.”

Chaos sits with perfect posture from behind the same side of the other end of the table and 6 feet from Grandma Mary wearing a bright pink mask. Her hands are folded on the table in front of her and beside an air horn on one side and a small remote with one big red button on the other. “Thank you for inviting me to participate in announcing today’s race. It is an honor to be able to join you in highlighting and discussing the second of four Sippy Cup Qualifiers and I am looking forward to watching the Mexican drag race. As someone who isn’t fully bilingual, I am curious how your team is handling the preparations.”

Grandma Mary snorts and Chao’s hands unclasp with one hand reaching for the remote. Grandma Mary sits even straighter and speaks quickly in a monotone voice. “That was an interesting challenge for the fed team. My son speaks passable spanish but he has difficulty understanding anything spoken to him in not-English. Meanwhile, Short Forest understands the Mexican variation of Spanish, because it is slower and the speakers actually bother to use all of the syllables; unfortunately, he has serious difficulty with conjugation and his Spanish has insulted more than one person by mistake in the past. Both of them left for Mexico yesterday to prepare for the drag race.”

Chaos re-clasps her hands. “Ah, so together they make one fully bilingual person.”

Grandma Mary nods. “And one American. But the two of them seem to be working well together. I am very confident in my son’s abilities. Which seems more than he is willing to say about me. It would seem he was concerned the two of us would not take our responsibilities to our fans seriously.” 

Chaos nods. “We would like to assure fans that we have taken steps to ensure we will be the epitome of decorum and refined actions. We are not illiterate, sweaty football commentators.”

Grandma Mary agrees. “Yes, we can read. Though I will admit to being a fan of football; I like watching their tight ends.”

Chaos turns to her co-host. “Oh, for sure. A good tight end can really be a game changer. And using your tight end wrong can cause a wedgie of a situation and prevent you from scoring.”

Grandma Mary’s eye crinkle in a smile we can’t see because of her mask. She looks out from their third story view. The building is on the other side of an access road from the parking deck. She takes a muffled deep breath through her mask. “I can smell the competitive motor oil in the air today!”

Chaos also takes a muffled deep breath through her mask. “I can smell I need a breath mint. Oh! And here comes the first vehicle in the race today, fokes. Hailing from just down the road, it’s the Tiger Beetle!”

The black and white striped 2000 VW bug drives down the access road at a conseritive pace. The gentle purring of the beast of a car is tempered by the wail of someone in the car. Their blinker is turned on when they reach their assigned spot, the vehicle turns in and stops. The passenger door pops open and a bear runs out. It’s not actually a wild bear but a person in a bear fursuit. She stops about 20 feet away on all fours and appears to be panting. 

Grandma Mary: “Oh! I thought perhaps having the head already on would improve Britney’s car experience. I guess not. Honestly, I’m a little concerned about the upcoming trip to Mexico. I have to fly on a plane with her.”

Chaos: “Yea, I thought she was getting better. Perhaps speak to her Primary Care Person about some soothing sedatives. If someone brought a patient with this level of car aversion to me, I would prescribe some pills for sure. Thankfully, Mistress Discipline is a very good travel partner and has already planned our trip down to a five minute agenda window.”

The person in the bear suit finally stands up and looks around. She wanders back over the car and leans against the back bumper in a clear attempt to act casual.

Grandma Mary: “That is impressive. Now, Mistress Discipline isn’t competing in the Night of Champions and she has her own matches in MCCW to prepare for. What would cause her to attend?”

Chaos: “She’s going to watch Death Trap, her obs-viously talented tag team partner. Here comes the next vehicle in the race. The Argery Mad Chemists from New Mexico! Note that New Mexico is in these United States and not to be confused with the country of Mexico.”

The Tesla Cybertruck makes its way down the access road sporting something new.

Grandma Mary: “Who would make that mistake? Now, the Chemists won last month and have added something new this time. The Distance-Oriented Orbital Fluffinator.”

Chaos “Doof?”

Grandma Mary: “Yes. This race will be an interesting place to try it, being that most of the course is covered from orbital line of sight. It may be more helpful for them in Mexico. I suppose we will find out if they can keep their momentum going from last month.”

The Cybertruck reaches its starting spot and the support crew exit the vehicle and begin orbiting the car for their final checks. 

Chaos: “They will join the Drag Race?”

Grandma Mary: “Yes. There are three crews that will drag bull statues one quarter of a mile in the parking lot of the plaza of the bulls. While there are no obstacles per say, they do have to face each other and the physical demands being placed on their vehicles. And here comes the next vehicle.” 

A camouflage motorcycle with a caterpillar track covering the four wheels required to compete in CAR makes its way down the access lane. The driver appears to be looking over her shoulder and watching the woods that surround the road.

Grandma Mary: “The Escapism Sorority had a strong race last month and I would think the many tight curves this month will favor them but if the driver is distracted, perhaps not.” 

Chaos: “It’s not just about what the vehicle can handle. Let’s not forget that fellow passengers play a role and can and do eliminate their competition. Here comes, and there they Go GO, Go, Go, GO.”

A slim and sleek race car zooms down the road and is already in their assigned place by the time Chaos finishes their intro. Two men exit the vehicle and begin animatedly gesturing. They shout in quick spurts and run around the vehicle performing their final checks.

Grandma Mary: “One of our international teams, Mach Go is from Japan. This has made communication a little more difficult. Or perhaps it is that they speak so quickly google translate can’t keep up.”

Chaos: “Oh, what seems to be the problem with the mighty google?”

Grandma Mary: “I’m not sure but something must be off, or we have an alien invasion on our hands.”

The two commentators laugh and let it die awkwardly. They look out at the open skies uneasily. Nothing appears to be out of the ordinary. Birds fly in the sky and a young girl wears a mask and jumps a jump rope at the end of the access road. 

Chaos: “It’s a perfectly normal day in the middle of a pandemic.”

A tan colored 1974 VW bug makes its way down the access road. Previously, a protuberance stood erect off the hood of the car at an angle above parallel to the ground and the tip was longer than the roof was tall. Now, it has been lowered so that the tip is no longer above the roof. 

Grandma Mary: “Oh good. Here comes the next crew. Don't Touch my Junk had a small accident last month and their protrusion slipped into a side hole. Several times. Hopefully they can keep their eyes on the prize now that their mast isn’t as erect.”

Chaos: “I mean. It is still hard. And certainly hasn’t gotten any smaller.”

The bug pulls into its assigned starting position and the two men with nipple shaped nipple pasties step out and begin their final checks. 

Grandma Mary: “They are a shower not a grower.”

Chaos reaches over and presses the button. Grandma Mary gives a started strangled yelp before glaring at Chaos. Chaos shrugs.

Grandma Mary: “Maybe their newly positioned jousting rod will be used to keep six feet away from others.”

Chaos nods and points to where a Porsche is traveling down the access road. 

Chaos: “Oh? Is that car lost? Do you need to send Forest to redirect them?:

Grandma Mary: “Nope. That is the newest Crew to register with CAR and the final of three to join the Drag Race. I’ve been watching that Mother all week and I have to complement the driver on their technique. Their driving style is so smooth and connected to the car that it’s almost like they can communicate.” 

Chaos: “Do you think they stand a good chance of winning this race?”

The car pulls into their assigned starting position and a lanky man steps out of the Porsche and moves around to the hood where he bends down and looks at his clipboard. 

Grandma Mary: “They stand to be a top contender, if they try, but this is really anyone’s race. Is that driver eating ice cream? Nevermind, here comes our last entrant in the race!”

A silver car rolls down the access road with their windows partially down. Three dogs are sticking their heads out and enjoying the breeze. As they pull closer, the driving doberman gets excited and starts barking and then jumping on the car’s horn. 

Chaos “Aww! Look how happy Bruce Whine is to get out and about! This is the team I’m rooting for! I have personally checked the health of each member prior to this race and they are in great shape. Though Princess Sparkles is a total bitch.”

The silver car pulls into the final spot and two of the windows roll down completely. A white poodle in a pink tutu outfit and a bear looking dog in a red shirt jump out of their respective windows. Princess Sparkles turns her tutu-ed butt back towards the car to bark and growl at Bruce before moving away with Teddy. 

Grandma Mary: “Let me grab my megaphone and give the final announcement before you start the race, honey.” She pulls the megaphone up and shoves the bell out the window. “Racers, remember that there is no speed limit in this race.”

Grandma Mary nods at Chaos who raises her airhorn and lets loose the starting tone of the race. 

Grandma Mary: “And they’re off! The Tiger beetle is off to an early lead but the Junk Mobile is pushing in on their behind. The dogs are zooming along the inside lane of the garage and Mach’s skyrod is gaining on them as we approach the first turn. The Mad Chemists remain firmly in the center lane while Mother seems to be ghosting along the outside edge of the group. Here’s the first turn. They all shift closer to the rimless edge of the parking garage, except Escapism Sorority who manages to shoot to the front as the others slow down around that turn.”

Chaos: “And we are on the second level already! This race is going fast!”

Grandma Mary: “Yes, but the second level is where the main obstacle is.”

The deep rumble can be felt in everyone's bones. The dogs start barking and Bruce Whine is bouncing on the car horn. 

Chaos: “What, exactly, is that?”

Grandma Mary: “Earth.”

Chaos: “Earth?”

Grandma Mary: “The living rock.”

Chaos: “Dwayne Johnson?”

Grandma Mary: “No, watch the Forest controlled wall now. Here comes the Escapism Sorority.”

The motored bike continues to speed up past the others, who have slowed down after feeling the garage rumble beneath them. The bike runs full speed past a wall that is slowly moving from the inside of the garage towards the outside. The ground rumbles again as the wall speeds up.

Grandma Mary: “And the wall sweeps the Escapism Sorority from the race! Don’t worry folks, I had Blond Forest set up an industrial inflatable landing pad before the race, she’s fine.” 

Chaos: “And how are the others supposed to get past that? Oh wow.”

Grandma Mary: “A volley of offensive weapons have hit the wall. I see the Angry Mad Chemists have used Corrosion, Mach is using their shotguns, and the dogs fire car to car missiles at a not-a-car. A yet the wall still stands.“

Chaos: “But that doesn’t seem to be stopping The Junk Mobile. It’s charging the wall!”

Grandma Mary: “That’s a bold strategy. Let’s see how it works for them.”

Chaos: “The other bug in the race seems to be following suite as the Tiger beetle also charges the wall.”

Grandma Mary: “Yes, and the Tiger Beetle is using their offensive weapon, the giant boxing glove actually made for this. But the Junk Mobile hits first and-”

Chaos: “-and their protuberance is the first to ever break through the thin layer separating them from the awesome feeling of glory waiting on the other side.”

Grandma Mary: “Only if they win. Otherwise this was a risky move that could have damaged their -- And see, they just spent their fluid in that tunnel right after entering. This is a theme with them; they may need to work on their lasting power.”

Chaos: “Don’t be upset they managed to break down your wall so quickly. It was a team effort and the Tiger Beetle is working to make the sides of the hole bigger.”

Grandma Mary: “And Mother manages to slip past and charge ahead.”

Chaos: “This seems to remind the Tiger Beetle about the race as they return to charging up the garage. They are followed closely by the Chemists, Mach and the dogs are bringing up the rear.” 

Grandma Mary: “The front runners, Mother and the Junk Mobile, are entering the final turn as the second wave gains on them.”

Chaos: “The front runners have entered the top level and are sprinting for Forest in the booth by the finish line.”

Grandma Mary: “Yes, we learned from last time. One Forest will be stationed at the finish line and since I lost half my Forests to Mexico, we set up the control booth at the finish line.” 

Chaos: “Good plan. The second wave of cars have hit the third level and -- what is all that?”

Grandma Mary: “The Chemists have deployed the DOOF! The fluff has rained down on Mother and the Junk Mobile, slowing them down but not stopping them.”

Chaos: “I would imagine they are having some serious issues with visibility but Mother is driving like that isn’t the case. The car is speeding up.”

Grandma Mary: “A big wave of the DOOF fluff has hit all the participants. I can’t see a damn thing.” 

Chaos: “Me either. We will have to go to Forest to find out who won.”

  
  


Grandma Mary grabs her handheld radio: BEEP “Fairy Grandmother to Forest Ranger, come in Forest Ranger. Over.”

BEEP _”This is Forest Ranger. Over.”_

Grandma Mary: BEEP “We can’t see through all the fluff. What is the finish order? Over.”

BEEP _“Mother finished slightly ahead of Don’t Touch My Junk. Then the Chemists and Mach drove through together before Abby arrived safely looking as radiant as a valkyrie. Hold on that Dog just arrived and is leaning on the horn while barking.Over.”_

Grandma Mary: BEEP “Who arrived first, the Chemisist or Mach? Over.”

_”I wasn’t paying attention to that at the time. I couldn’t see Abby and was worried. Over.”_

Chaos: “What? How are we supposed to award third place if we don’t know who was ahead?”

Grandma Mary: “There you have it, audience. First place in this race will go to Mother, the car. Second place was won by Don’t Touch My Junk and third place is our first tie! Mach and the Angry Chemists will both receive the points for third place. Also the tallies are in for people’s choice. The people have chosen Mother for the extra point.”

Chaos: “And that’s it folks! See you in Mexico!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up is the Silicone Cup Race! If you like the idea of writing a racing team too, feel free to join the CAR fed over at https://xhf09.proboards.com/board/1113/competitive-automotive-racing 
> 
> and note that this is the only racing group on this site right now; the others are wrestling groups.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Special Drag Race: Punch Buggy No Punch Back vs. Angry Mad Chemists vs Mother, The Car
> 
> This Silicone Cup was part of the XHF Netowrk (a group of groups) event Night of Champions (https://xhf09.proboards.com/thread/15788/xhf-network-presents-night-champions). Formatting was slightly changed to match with Network standards. 
> 
> This race is totally separate from any goings on for the Sippy Cup however the events in this race are cannon for the teams and the short stories entered are also cannon.

A folding table is set up beside the road Carolina between the Monumental Plaza de Toros and the Estadio Azul. Someone has taped a piece of paper with the words “Announcer's Booth” to the front of the folding table. Grandma Mary and her son make their way from the line up of three cars to behind the Announcer’s Booth, where they take their seats.   
  
**Grandma Mary** : Welcome, Lords and Ladies to the family friendly Silicone Cup Drag Race.  
  
Blond Forest is standing beside several other crew members looking at the bull statue attached to one of the cars. He has his two index fingers pointing towards the other arm and circling each other in a ‘stall for time’ manner.  
  
 **Uncle** : Ok, a couple of things. One we are in Mexico not in a renaissance fair. And two, what makes this more family friendly than our previous races? The competitors?  
 **Grandma Mary** : One, obviously. But just as the highland games were canceled, the ren fair ain't happening this year.   
**Uncle** : Oh, God. Did you invite the bagpipers?  
 **Grandma Mary** : I invited them, but they didn’t want to come to Mexico in summer.   
**Uncle** : But Mexico City is high enough in elevation that it isn’t actually that hot.  
  
A man approaches the group by the statue with a blow torch. Blond Forest circles his two index fingers pointing towards the other arm again.  
  
 **Grandma Mary** : Right! Because we aren't going to have the national anthem, I have THIS!  
  


  
  
They announcers take a moment to listen to the music until Blond Forest circles his pointer fingers again.   
  
**Grandma Mary** : From CARmen, the bullfighter’s song or toreador song.   
**Uncle** : We aren’t in France.  
 **Grandma Mary** : But we are at a bullfighting area.   
  
The two look expectantly at Blond Forest but he continues circles his fingers while looking over his shoulder at the others working.   
  
**Grandma Mary** : And two, I made sure everyone is wearing clothes today. I don’t know how the XHF Network thinks it’s acceptable to have topless wrestling but that won’t be in my fed.  
 **Uncle** : Topless wrestling? All the women I’ve seen have been wearing something on top.  
 **Grandma Mary** : But not the men! The 19th amendment to give women the right to vote in the constitution was ratified 100 years ago next month. I understand that the Equal Rights Amendment to the constitution is in some grey area right now but I fully support the equal application of laws between the sexes.   
**Uncle** : Again, in Mexico. The US constitution has no weight in not-the-US.   
  
The man with the blow torch backs off and turns off his torch but Blond Forest still has his two index fingers circling each other. The crew again descend on the statue.  
  
 **Grandma Mary** : It’s the principle of the matter. If men can go topless, then women should be allowed too. If we can’t, then they can’t.   
**Uncle** : I think a large portion of this audience, and the male wrestlers, would fully support women having the right to wrestle topless in these events. But that’s not why we’re here today. Today is about a DRAG RACE.  
 **Grandma Mary** : Do you think they would? I imagine that loose boulders flapping about while trying to get a big man beneath to submit would present a challenge and it would be uncomfortable to not have the full support of a loyal garment as you cartwheel through the air or what have you. This event has brought together many feds, and I have been in talks. Perhaps I’ll ask for thoughts on this. I imagine they have done more research on the matter.  
  
Blond Forest continues to sign to drag on the commentary as a man holding a jackhammer joins the group around the statue.  
  
 **Uncle** : In a total change of topic, please tell us about today’s trophy.   
**Grandma Mary** : Not much of a change of topic when you realize the top of the trophy is a gilded augmentation implant.   
**Uncle** : As in?  
 **Grandma Mary** : Yep. You Boob.   
**Uncle** : So looking below the gilded self-esteem enhancement that is hovering on the top -   
**Grandma Mary** : It’s not hovering, that’s the extra silicone!  
 **Uncle** : Right. So at the other end of the trophy. The bottom of the thing. It says ‘19. Why?  
 **Grandma Mary** : Great question. Because I believe in ordering from small businesses. They have really struggled in this difficult time. And…   
  
Blond Forest gives the Announcer’s Booth a thumbs up as the others back away from the statue.  
  
 **Uncle** : And we have a great race in store for you all today! Our three CAR crews are already set up at the starting point of this 1,320 feet, or 402 meters, or 1/4 mile course around the bullfighting arena to the finish line where our not as tall Forest waits. But that’s not all folks! The vehicles will need to drag a bull statue weighing about 1500 pounds, or a little over 680 kilograms, behind them for the full ¼ mile race. If they complete the race without bringing the bull, they will be disqualified.   
**Grandma Mary** : Let’s introduce the three crews in today’s race. Starting off: Punch Buggy No Punch Back in the Tiger Beetle, The Angry Mad Chemists in the Chemistruckinator, and finally Mother. The Car, in Christine.  
 **Uncle** : That was a short intro.  
 **Grandma Mary** : If they want a long and proper intro, they can view our normally scheduled events where we go into the latest on the crews. We are already behind schedule because we had to drag out the pre-race section of the drag race.   
**Uncle** : Very true. But don’t worry folks. This race may be short but boy will it be sweet.   
**Grandma Mary** : Yes, indeed. Now, because we flew here, we can’t start the race with either the gun or the air horn, due to flight regulations and our desire not to buy new ones here. So instead I bought a musical instrument.  
  
She pulls out a vuvuzela from under the table and blows it. Before anyone has time to prepare mind, body, or soul, the vuvuzelas produce a 113 dB beautiful B flat below middle C and scares the ever loving crap out of anything within the full ¼ mile course. This includes the pigeon that happened to be passing over the Announcer’s Booth. While grandma Mary isn’t in danger from the incoming projectile, her son grabs his ears and attempts to duck under the table. He doesn't make it.  
  


* * *

  
**CAR Silicone Cup  
Literal Drag Race**  
Punch Buggy No Punch Back vs. Angry Mad Chemists vs Mother, The Car

* * *

  
  
**Grandma Mary** : And they're off! That scrapping you hear isn’t nails on a chalkboard but the sound of a bull statue weighing about 1500 pounds, or a little over 680 kilograms, being dragged over the road. Glorious! The Chemists are flying off to a strong start but the Tiger beetle and Mother are zooming along right behind.   
  
This is an exaggeration. They are going about 10 mph (16kmph).   
  
**Uncle** : Did you remember to remind them that there isn’t a speed limit even though we’re on the road?   
**Grandma Mary** : Yes, it was in the pamphlet material given to all the drivers. And it looks like the Angry Chemists have engaged their Chemistry Engine Booster. That extremely bright burst from the booster is from their advanced chemistry knowledge and plenty of Gigawatts, wonderflonium and unobtanium.   
**Uncle** : Wow. yea. They have DOUBLED their speed. Look at them go.   
  
The Angry Chemists reach the mid-way point of the race when their booster suddenly dies. Dozens of flying disembodied transparent ghostly child hands pull at their vehicle as children laughing come from the parts being removed.   
  
**Grandma Mary** : Weird. I wonder what technology mother is using because that isn’t from the Tiger Beetle. Unless you think the chemists are malfunctioning?  
  
William Lastname, the driver for the Chemists, yelps in pain and horror from the inside of the vehicle. That’s not a … good … noise.   
  
**Uncle** : No, I think it’s Mother. And she has caught up with the chemists though the Tiger Beetle is almost equal on her other side. And the two moving competitors pass the chemists.  
  
Just as quickly as the hands had arrived, they disappear.   
  
**Grandma Mary** : The Angry Mad Chemists have resumed moving towards the finish line but with their boosters out and Mother and Tiger Beetle so far ahead, I don’t know if they will be able to catch up.   
**Uncle** : Well, they’re certainly trying. Unfortunately, it looks like both Mother and Tiger Beetle are in the final few moments of the race.   
**Grandma Mary** : Oohh. A projectile has been fired from the chemists. It fails to hit Mother but does connect with the chain connecting Mother to the bull. The advanced corrosive material in the projectile rapidly affects the chain. The chain has snapped. Mother has been freed from the weight holding her back and shoots like a bullet towards the finish line. The bull statue is no longer being pulled forward and grinds to a halt and falls over sideways towards the Tiger Beetle.   
**Uncle** : The Tiger Beetle uses their large boxing glove to punch the statue out of their way. And Mother is the first to cross the finish line. Unfortunately, the bull statue didn’t cross the finish line. Mother, The Car has been disqualified.   
**Grandma Mary** : The final two contenders are the Tiger Beetle and the Angry Mad Chemists. The question now is, will the Chemists fire the corrosive again?  
 **Uncle** : Well it looks like it won’t matter. Tiger Beetle has used Smokescreen and divided themselves from those behind them as they push themselves to reach the finish line.   
**Grandma Mary** : And Punch Buggy No Punch Back has won the Silicone Cup!  
  
Fluff rains from the sky like confetti as the Chemists fire their DOOF too late to stop the Tiger Beetle. A few moments later, the Chemists cross the finish line. Short Forrest rushes over to help Abby unhook the Tiger Beetle from the bull statue while Britney and Blond Forrest run the distance of the race in celebration.   
  
**Uncle** : And we have our winner!  
 **Grandma Mary** : Finally! About time we won one! Glad it’s a trophy win too!  
 **Uncle** : As a reminder, this victory will not change any part of the upcoming Sippy Cup Qualifier in August, or will it increase the chance to enter or win the Sippy Cup.  
 **Grandma Mary** : Stop trying to make my victory as fake as that trophy top, you boob.   
**Uncle** : Only if you stop trying to take the win away from the actual crew that won.   
**Grandma Mary** : We would like to thank our audience for joining us today to watch the inaugural Silicone Cup race and hope you will join us in August as all the crews that sign up will face the ring of FIRE!!  
 **Uncle** : Wait, what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like the idea of writing a racing team too, feel free to join the CAR fed over at https://xhf09.proboards.com/board/1113/competitive-automotive-racing and note that this fed is the only racing group in the network at this time.


	4. August 2020 Sippy Cup Qualifier 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crews Competing:  
> 1\. Punch Bug No Punch Back  
> 2\. The Esoteric Order of Driving  
> 3\. Don't touch my junk  
> 4\. The Angry Mad Chemists  
> 5\. Escapism Sorority  
> 6\. The Adventures of Moon Man and Slim Brady  
> 7\. Mother. The Car.

August 2020

1\. The Balls  
2\. The Ring of FIRE  
3\. The Dragon of the West  
  
  
  
Deep in the heart of the Appalachian Mountains, a red clay race track lies in a valley and has been enhanced for the CAR August race. Up a little on one side of the valley sits a museum dedicated to explaining the historic connection between illegal alcohol production during the USA’s prohibition and stock car racing ([here’s a link if you want to read more on the connection](prohibition.themobmuseum.org/the-history/prohibition-potpourri/nascar-and-prohibition/)[);](http://prohibition.themobmuseum.org/the-history/prohibition-potpourri/nascar-and-prohibition/\);) This museum has also undergone some changes to become the announcer’s booth. It is in the museum that we find the announcers for today’s race. Grandma Mary is making her way around and through the museum to the booth set up at an open window that overlooks the track as her son finishes plugging in the needed announcing equipment.   
  
Grandma Mary sits down with a sigh caught by her mask. “Ready yet?”  
  
Uncle finishes adjusting his own mask and nods at his mother. “Yea, good to go.”  
  
Grandma Mary takes a deep breath made louder by her mask. “Welcome, y’all to the third of four qualifiers for the Sippy Cup. We are at a historic prohibition era track to see if the fire on the track can match the heat in our cups!”  
  
Uncle looks down at his mug and then at his mom. “Wait one second, please. I thought this was coffee.”  
  
Grandma Mary snatches her mug and brings it closer. “Of course there is coffee in this mug. Lightning hot coffee.”  
  
Uncle narrows his eyes. “Lightning as in white lightning as in moonshine? Did you add our neighbor’s home made alcohol to your coffee?”   
  
Grandma Mary points out the window. “Listen, here comes the first crew. Screaming in from just down the road is Punch Buggy No Punch back.” She hit her son in the arm and he winces. The white tiger painted VW bug loudly announces it’s arrival not but the sound of the engine but the lady sitting shotgun screaming her head off as the tiger beetle comes around a bend in the road to approach the course.   
  
He rubs the spot where she hit him. “Now, while this crew has yet to even place in a qualifier they are doing well outside these races.”  
  
Grandma Mary nods. “Correct! They currently hold the Silicone Cup.” As the car approaches the track, the silicone trophy is mounted to the hood of the car just above and between the eyes. It looks like a unicorn horn coming out of a tiger’s face.  
  
Uncle exhales loudly. “You actually did it. You super glued the trophy to the hood of the car.”  
  
Grandma Mary makes an unconvinced ‘mmmm’ noise. “Actually, Short Forest pointed out that if we permanently mounted the trophy there it would hit the windshield when we popped the hood. So Blond Forest and I used velcro.”  
  
The car arrives at the start line and a brown bear, or at least a person in a brown bear suit, staggers out. She slams the car door and yanks the trophy off before teetering over to the support crew section.   
  
Uncle is looking toward the road entrance when he suddenly says “What in the world is that? It looks like two gummy worms stuck together in the middle.” Sure enough, an unusual vehicle makes its way to the race track bringing with it a wave of malaise that seems to flow from it.   
  
Grandma Mary cackles. “That, my dear boy, is one of two new teams this month. The Esoteric Order of Driving! They drove all the way down from one of those yankee states. I think they might be one of the girls internet friends because the driver is constantly in his wolf suit. Though I must say, it _is_ a very well done outfit. It almost looks like he’s a real wolfman.”   
  
The-Car-That-Should-Not-Be pulls up to its assigned spot and a man and floating book exit. They begin their final preparations.   
  
Uncle squints. “Is that. Is that flying drone in the shape of a book?”  
  
Grandma Mary shrugs. “Don’t judge, dear. I think they like fantasy books and whatnot.”  
  
Uncle shakes his head. “I’m trying to be open minded but I don’t want my brain to fall out. I’ll say this, their unique racing vehicle looks impressive and I look forward to seeing how they handle the course.”   
  
Grandma Mary cackles again. “Someone will go up in flames for sure! Ah! Here comes a crew that has touched the hearts, or similar spots, of our fans, Don't touch my junk! Does their car look different today?”  
  
An older model VW bug makes its way to the starting line with its hood protrusion back to its former erect state as they had lowered it into a battering ram for the garage race. For this race, the protrusion appears to be covered by a fireproof membrane.   
  
Uncle clears his throat. “Does that look like a-”  
  
Grandma Mary clears her throat to interrupt her son. “Yes.Yes, it does. They are sponsored by a company called Trojan. I suppose we’ll see how it works out for them.”  
  
The bright peach colored vehicle pulls up near the crew's assigned spot and two men in tight bottoms and wearing only nipple shaped nipple coverings on top step out of the car. They make their way to the crew section while adjusting their pants as the driver pulls up to the starting line.   
  
Uncle shakes his head and notices another car driving down the road. “Speaking of memorable crews, here comes The Angry Mad Chemists. They placed second in the Silicone Cup but are most known for their DOOF floof.”  
  
Grandma Mary sighs. “They are beginning to become dependent on it. They’ve used the DOOF the last several races. I really feel like they need to branch out and try new things.”  
  
Uncle disagrees with “but that’s now their signature move! I hope they use it this race.”  
  
Grandma Mary seems to consider this for a moment while staring out at the vista. “It **is** flammable. I will allow it.”  
  
The Chemistruckinator pulls into their assigned spot near the starting line and two crew members get out with their clipboards. They circle the car performing final checks before giving a thumbs up to the driver and heading to their assigned support crew spots.   
  
The sound of a motorbike gets louder and the announcers lean forward looking for it. A modified bike shoots out of the surrounding trees heading at a controlled clip down the steep slope surrounding the track. The four wheels controlling the tank tread allow the driver to NOT careen down the mountain side.   
  
Grandma Mary nods. “Ah, good! Escapism Sorority is able to join us. I’ve been worried about those girls.”  
  
Uncle looks over the fury couse. “Are you not still worried about them literally driving through fire?”  
  
Grandma Mary shrugs her shoulders. “Those girls have been through hell. This little heat ain’t anything.”  
  
The tank tread bike pulls into their spot as a second, hovering, bike pulls up next to them.   
  
Uncle points at the new comer. “They’re new.”  
  
Grandma Mary nods. “Yes, this is The Adventures of Moon Man and Slim Brady, the second new cre-wooo. Hey that one is topless! Where is his decency? Where are his clothes?”  
  
Grandma Mary grabs her walkie-talkie radio. “Grandma’s cottage to Forest Fire, Come in Forest Fire. Over.”  
  
  


_This is Forest Fire. Over._

  
“We’ve got indecent exposure at the start line. I repeat indecent exposure! Over.”  
  


_Is it Don’t Touch My Junk? Because I do not want to touch their junk. Over._

  
“I can handle their junk! No. It’s one of the new ones. Just eject the topless dude from the course and the diver may continue the race. Over.”

_Will do! Forest Fire over and out._

  
Grandma Mary flails her hand to cover her forehead. “Oh! The humanity. What would his mother say?”  
  
Uncle sighs. “I don’t know about _his_ mother but here comes Mother. The Car.”  
  
The Porsche makes its way down the road looking oddly sore ... for a car.   
  
Grandma Mary seems to perk up at their arrival. “Oh, good. This one has become a very active CAR crew. They even joined our recent training exercise.”  
  
Uncle looks over at his mother. “Would this be the training exercise that made the news because it was literally inside a collapsing house?”  
  
Grandma Mary waves that away. “Oh, no. The house wasn’t collapsing when the girls, or mother, were in it. That happened right after. And then it exploded”  
  
Uncle inhales in surprise. **“THE GIRLS WERE _IN_ THERE!”**  
  
Grandma Mary pats her son on the shoulder. “Look, they’re fine. The training exercise was a success, other than the house falling down part. But that didn’t happen until after and I totally blame those wrestler types. [Just look at how the paper reports that house’s view.”](https://xhf09.proboards.com/thread/15723/2020-packer-tanner-memorial-tribute?page=3)   
  
Uncle points down at Mother as they reach the starting line. “If that car was a person, it’d be limping because you almost blew it up!”  
  
Grandma Mary turns her head to one side in confusion. “That’s odd. It wasn’t limping when they were driving off for ice cream after. I think that happened more recently. Besides it looks like we’re ready to start the race.”   
  
Uncle nods. “Welcome fans, to the third of four qualifiers for the Sippy Cup! We are excited to be racing at a historic track today and all our crews are in position to begin. Please stand for the singing of our national anthem by the youngest member of the church choir.”  
  
A blond girl in pigtails of about 6 walks over to the announcing table to accept the microphone. Uncle presses play on his phone to start the music and the young girl begins singing the national anthem of the United States of America; she remembers all the notes and manages to get most of the words. When she finishes, she curtsies, and both Uncle and Grandma Mary clap enthusiastically loud. She runs off to join her mom in the spectator stands giggling.   
  
Grandma Mary pulls out an emergency flare gun and shoves it out the open window. “That was a wonderful selection dear. It’s great to see such young talents fired up for our national anthem. Now, racers, on your mark, get set, and-” She fires the flare gun. “- they're off!”  
  
Uncle readjusts his microphone. “The Esoteric Order of Driving, also known as EOD, has taken an early lead however The Angry Mad Chemists and Don't touch my junk Racin' are closing in on their behind and the others are not far behind them.”  
  
Grandma Mary leans forward. “The crews are about to meet their first obstacle, The Balls. Short Forest is in charge of making sure those balls swing back and forth in the most offensive way possible.”  
  
Uncle clears his throat. “Phrasing, mom, phrasing. Ball one gets a direct hit on the Angry Mad Chemists and it bounces right off and into the Punch Buggy who uses the red boxing glove to push it back into play. Are we expecting these to do more?”  
  
Grandma Mary laughs. “Just wait. The second ball is swinging free as --Oh! My!-- it joins the first to sandwich the rear end of Don’t Touch my Junk’s Junk Mobile making for a slightly obscene image for just a moment before the car spurts forward and the balls swing off.”  
  
Uncle blinks rapidly for a moment. “Ball two swings and aims for mother, who moves out of the way of the ball but into the way of the Escapism Sorority. They vear out of the way of that ball only to run full force into the first ball coming back. And Escapism Sorority is down.”  
  
The motorbike skids to a stop off the track and the driver is standing unhurt almost immediately.  
  
Grandma Mary exhales. “Those balls can be a lot to handle without the protection of the car. It looks like her motorbike isn’t starting. This may be the end of the race for her. Though I guess I thought Big balls would be more of an issue.”  
  
Uncle looks over at his mom like he wants to comment before continuing with the commentary. “It looks like the other crews have cleared the first obstacle and are headed to the Ring of Fire. Mother is using Bullet Bill to reduce the drag on the car. The Angry Chemists have engaged their chemistry engine booster to catch up. The Junk Mobile has fired the white stuff at everyone in front of them. I thought it would be caught by the membrane but it looks like there’s a hole at the tip; this gives the sticky substance even more pressure to shoot further. It hits Mother & the Angry chemists however EOD seems to have evaded it.”  
  
Grandma Mary leans back. “Again? The Angry Chemists have fired the Doof again?”  
  
Uncle nods. “And the doof has caused the floof to stick to the sticky stuff fired out of the junkmobile. Mother looks like she’s wearing a feather boa. Don’t Touch my Junk, Punch Buggy and The Adventures of Moon Man and Slim Brady have entered the curtain of Doof Floof. The EOD approaches the ring of fire as Mother and the Angry Chemists gain track on their bumper.”  
  
Grandma Mary points to where the others are exiting the floof. “Don’t Touch My Junk and Punch Buggy are exiting the floof and continuing the turn for the Ring of fire however The Adventures of Moon Man and Slim Brady Seem to have veered off course. Perhapsing the driver is looking for his weapons expert I kicked out earlier?”  
  
Uncle shuggs. “I don’t know. EOD has made the jump through the ring of fire and is continuing on like nothing happened. Mother has made the jump through the ring of fire and is on fire. The Angry Chemists are approaching the jump”  
  
Grandma Mary leans forward again. “Do you hear a high pitched whine? Like someone screaming. Is Britney still in her spot?”  
  
Uncle looks down to where the support crew are stationed. “She’s down there and looks fine. I think there’s something wrong with Mother. The car has slowed down as the driver is trying to put out the floof on the roof. Don’t touch my Junk has made the jump and is catching up to mother.”  
  
Grandma Mary shrugs. “The Chemists have caught up with EOD as they approach the back end of the dragon statue.”  
  
The dragon status is placed parallel to the track so that it’s back end is facing the track. The dragon's head twists around to look at the approaching cars.  
  
The table radio that picks up the between crew conversations comes to life as the driver, Billy, asks the mechanic, Ovi, about the moving statue.   
  


_Ovi: "BAH it's a spectacular piece of machinery and I don't fear machines. I master them!"_

  
Grandma Mary sighs in contentment. “And there it is folks, the fire we’ve all been waiting for.”  
  
Uncle laughs. “I thought the fire would be coming out of the dragon’s mouth. It looks like EOD is unphased by the fire but the Chemists are veering about wildly. The white stuff they were sprayed with earlier has finally caught fire.”  
  
The Chemist’s driver, Billy, reaches out to his support crew.   
_  
_

_Billy: Ian did you implement the advanced flame retardants in the lining of the car? Ovi is the fire shielding up to code?_

_Ovi: Oh it'll be completely comfortable up to 1000 degrees Celsius and reliably keep you safe ... just avoid blue supersonic hedgehogs._

_Billy: Say what?_

_Ian: Haha, um heh, uh well the uh flame retardant, is uh more uh of a preventative. I still advise um you um don't get burned. Haheh._

  
The mouth of the dragon opens up and more white stuff hits the Chemist’s car.  
  
Grandma Mary nods. “The fire is extinguished before anything else is set alight but Don’t Touch My Junk has pushed into second place as they trust past Mother and the Chemists. Mother and the Chemists are now neck and neck. Punch Buggy is still making good time, having completed the ring of fire, but I really don’t think they’ll place at this point.”  
  
Uncle sits back. “It looks like first place is going to be between EOD and Don’t Touch My junk as they are both approaching the finish line.”  
  
Grandma Mary leans forward. “Mother has passed the Chemists. No. The Chemists are back in the lead.”  
  
Uncle stands. “And EOD has won the race followed by Don’t Touch my Junk, who just couldn’t catch up in time.”  
  
Suddenly the Chemists are pushed to one side of the course track as Mother shoots forward again.   
  


Grandma Mary stands. “Mother surges forward just before the Chemists engage their chemistry engines but a part of a second too late. Mother has secured third place.”

  
Uncle adjusts his mask. “I think this is the first race where we could see the finish order.”  
  
Grandma Mary takes her seat. “Yes, and here comes Punch Buggy to finish in fifth. This month we have a tie for the People’s choice; it will be awarded to both Mother and EOD. Good effort out there to all the crews. I hope you join us at the final Sippy Cup Qualifier, which will _**AIR** _in September.”   
  
Uncle looks over at his mom in suspicion. “Why did you emphasize ‘air’?”

**Author's Note:**

> If you like the idea of writing a racing team too, feel free to join the CAR fed over at https://xhf09.proboards.com/board/1113/competitive-automotive-racing and note that this fed is a happier place then the other feds in the network.


End file.
